Interview with necesito el valor tanto como necesito el miedo

Antonia: Hello, how are you?

Junk Dealers: All good, all good! Nice to meet you. Thank you very much for coming.

A: Thank you.

JD: How are you?

A: Not doing much, I was having a snack with my family and now I came here to talk.

JD: Yeah, it's 6 o'clock there, right?

A: Yes, it's 6 o'clock here.

JD: I have a friend from Chile, that's why I remember that it's two hours plus over there, which I think changes like in some places, because when she moved around cities, it changed.

A: Yes, it changes in Punta Arenas and I also don't remember if it really changes with winter time.

JD: Let's start with the basics, when did you start your project?

A: The project started last year, in July I uploaded the first song, but I have been making music for a longer time.

JD: Yeah, I was just going to ask, I guess you had some previous experience, did you play anywhere?

A: No, I used to upload music to SoundCloud on something that has nothing to do with what I do now, like plugg and emo trap, I don't know, things like that.

JD: Ok, now I also have to ask about that previous project because I was quite interested in it. What attracted you to plugg?

A: I don't know, it’s danceable, I couldn't really explain it to you, but I find it very danceable haha.

JD: Yes, I mean, it's a huge difference, but that's the way it is. I mean, you can't limit yourself to one genre, you're always going to listen to any kind of music. And as for the current project, do you have any artists who have served as inspiration? I mean, I already know one and that's why I'm wearing this Everyone Asked About You shirt.

A: Oh, awesome!

JD: I knew this shirt was going to come in handy someday.

A: Yes, well, that band, first of all, but the biggest inspiration was Duster and also the first inspiration. Afterwards, I was listening to a lot more slowcore and that's when I started liking it more. But artists who have influenced me a lot... I think about Joy Division a lot. I don't know, I usually just sit in bed and perform whatever comes out, but always with an idea, a sound or a melody.

JD: Now that we're talking about Everyone Asked About You, I don't know why, but maybe because of the length, but the names I Need Courage As Much As I Need Fear sound a bit similar to me and I wanted to ask where the name comes from, does it have some origin or did it just come out?

A: The name comes from this thing I once wrote. I was writing what I felt and well, I think I wrote “sometimes I need courage as much as I need fear” and it kind of stuck with me. It stayed ringing for a couple of days. I don't have it anymore, I gave it to someone else.

I named a song after that and I uploaded it to SoundCloud under the name of the other project, I Need Courage As Much As I Need Fear and when it was going to come out the project, the first song comes out, because I said "I'm going to upload a song to Spotify just to be stupid”, as a joke, well, not as a joke, but so that one person would hear it, but it reached a lot more people.

JD: Actually, about that, I feel like I've seen a couple of people from here in Mexico showing their attention to the project. I don't know if you're aware of that.

A: Mmm, not really.

JD: A couple of people who are also into making recommendations, if you want I can send them to you later. I found it very interesting that in fact, I initially thought the project was Mexican.

A: Really? Hehe.

JD: Yes, that’s also interesting because I feel that a lot of that first thought was because of the cover of Madre Misericordia. Like in Latin America, we are very related in that aspect. Do you feel that religion is related to what you do with your music?

A: I see religion as a form of protection, and music as well. In a certain way, the connection I see is that it gives me a lot of protection and I look for it when I feel insecure or unprotected. And also, with writing lyrics, using the Virgin Mary as a figure, I feel that it becomes bigger, that the Virgin Mary feels imposing.

JD: Yeah, I feel like I wouldn't call it a universal image, but definitely within Latin America, it has a lot of significance. Even if you're not religious, it's definitely something that you would associate with Mexico, right?

A: It’s not that big of an image here.

JD: That's what’s most interesting, I feel like she is a more relevant figure here.

A: Here it is more like God, like the figure of Jesus Christ.

JD: You were already talking a little bit about this, I imagine that you record almost everything in your room and at home. What is that process like usually?

A: I have my audio interface, my cables, my guitar and with the drums, back then I used YouTube bases and then I felt that it didn't belong to me because it wasn't entirely mine, and I wanted to do something that really came out of me. All I know how to do, at least, is to record guitars, but for drums I ask my friend Caleb to record. He is from Mexico too, @fuentedevioletas on Instagram.

JD: I didn't know your drums came from Mexico.

A: Yes, Caleb is from Mexico and he is amazing on drums.

JD: You just released that song Virgen María, did it come from a specific place or just from the need to release it?

A: Yes, we had it done and I felt that it was a special song because of the lyrics and because I had wanted to do a bolero with Caleb for a long time because he showed me the rondallas. We wanted to do a rondalla first and then I sent him a bolero. He played the guitar and I wrote the lyrics and he also sang with me on the song. So I really liked how it turned out.

JD: I feel that there are a lot of things happening in Chile musically, really too many. Off the top of my head I can tell you about Sello Fisura, Asia Menor, Niños del Cerro, Registro Móvil, Phuyu y La Fantasma, and many acoustic things, too. How has it been for you to navigate that for you? Would you say that you are part of a scene there in the country?

A: Mm, I don't know, I don't really feel like I'm part of a scene, but maybe I'm part of the slowcore, but my deal is mostly between friends. For example, now we want to expand, as a band, because the times I have played have been acoustic, with Gabo too from Deja Pensarlo Mal, and we've played with two guitars and all that, but I’ve been thinking about how we could expand into a band and also have more ideas instead of just being me thinking about what could I do.

JD: Yes, of course. In fact, our previous interview was with a Venezuelan screamo band, Mil Ataris Por Segundo, who went through that same transition. They told me a lot about that and how originally the vocalist did everything in his room and he just explained to me that almost always there was no real intention to compose, but rather to finish the projects.

A: That's what's happening to me now.

JD: Yeah, you're just not really thinking hard about it, you know? You're not taking into account the order, but rather just building on top of it, right? I don't know if you've already tried to translate that to a band.

A: Not yet.

JD: Well, it's going to be interesting from what I know. But working with more people I think always helps.

A: Like taking into account other ideas, because the only time I do that is with my best friend, who also plays guitar and sometimes composes things. He’ll send me an audio of something he has done and tell me to play over it. I started playing on top of that and something nice came out. It is kind of entertaining, two or more ideas always pop out, whatever those may be.

JD: Yes, of course. And it kind of transcends being even like which becomes one thing, the combination. And well, is there already some project that you highlight, not necessarily from Chile , but more local?

A: I haven't heard much from Mexico, honestly. I'd really like to hear more, and I follow an account called @elsilencioesluz. I see her stories and it must be really cool having that kind of scene. It looks really cool, it's interesting, very lively and energetic.

JD: A lot of things are happening here too, especially in recent years. Not as much slowcore and stuff like that but there are a few projects that have actually been getting attention in the scale of things, so yes, there are quite a few things here.

A: I know of my friends there who make music, and they are very good at that. Well, Caleb who also makes music, makes everything fit nicely and whole. And from here, I don't have many friends who make music, Gabo and a few other known people.

JD: Going back to the album, I'm very interested in the cover. In fact, I think it's like the most immediately attractive thing about it. Is there anything you can say about that, was there any intention behind that aesthetically?

A: The Mother of Mercy prayer, which I had around, but it said something like “Mother of Mercy, take away my guilt, I feel sorry for myself”. So, that’s why I wanted to put her, I even wanted to put Mother Mercy. The cover used to be different , it was “Mother of Mercy, take away my guilt, I feel sorry for myself”, but they didn’t let me put it up. Oh, I’m losing my train of thought.

JD: It’s okay. I can wait.

A: It always happens to me, My mind’s scattered.

JD: It's easier when you have the questions written down, but it happens to me too.

A: Yes, it would be amazing to have the answers already.

It's because the whole album talks about a stage in my life in which I felt a lot of guilt and I wanted to talk about guilt within the album, explicitly or implicitly. That's why I put her, but it isn’t so conceptual. The most conceptual one is Todos Preguntaron Por Tí, that was the first conceptual EP.

JD: And is there something like you can tell us what the process was like and behind that ?

A: That was a dream my ex had, it was a time that we weren't together. She had it and told me about it, I wanted to materialise it, so I said to Gabo, "let's do an EP together" and I explained to him how I wanted it to sound. I separated it into acts. In fact I wanted to make it like a video that was almost like a film, but it hasn't materialised yet, maybe now it will. We were talking about it. The first part talks about... I have to look at the lyrics to explain it better, I'm going to revise it, I'm lost, I'm really lost.

ilusiones talks about how you're looking for someone, like at a party and kind of going in there, because there's a part where it says ‘with bloody knees’. Oh, I can't remember the lyrics. But like this is in first person, I'm at a party and I see a person you studied with a long time ago and weird things happen, then they appear on the beach, which is nupcial. And after paris, texas is when you wake up from all this, because it's a dream. But Todos Preguntaron Por Tí, is because of Everyone Asked About You, because of the band.

JD: Speaking of Paris, Texas, I was also going to ask, aside of music, were there other things that inspired you? Because I imagine that Paris, Texas comes from the movie, right ?

A: Yes. Several movies in several songs, but in paris, texas it was because there is this part of the movie, the one where they are like in that booth and the woman speaks and I felt a lot like the woman at the time I was writing and I thought of Paris, Texas. It's actually a very good movie. Also because of Athens, France from Black Country, New Road, I kind of made the connection there .

JD: In general, in your music, I think everything has a very intimate projection, mostly too because of the way it is produced. It sounds intimate, but do you share that feeling? Would you say it's an intimate project?

A: Yeah, too intimate, it's just really me. When I write, I'm lying in my bed and I usually write when I'm sad . And I don't imagine myself writing a happy song, about how “I went to a party, I went to the beach and I ran”. Before I wrote songs to explore more things, now I feel that it is more closely related to the sadness that I feel, and so now it has become much more intimate. The previous project was an open project, very open, the lyrics and the melodies, everything.

JD: Has it been comfortable getting those lyrics out to a bigger audience?

A: Yes, I mean, no, it's weird. Because, it's like, it is a lot of people.

JD: Do you attribute its newfound success to anything?

A: I don't really know. I think maybe I started doing the right genre. I don't really know.

JD: Yeah, I guess it was very spontaneous really.

A: Yes, I really find it incredible, I can't believe it.

JD: From my perspective, I just found it one day and listened to it. I feel like the general experience I've found with artists lately is that they don't feel like they belong to a physical scene as much as they do a digital one, let's say, that the niche you're releasing your music in is online, and they are people from different countries and it all kind of converges. And you work, as you told me, with people from other places, how has your experience been with that online community?

A: Good, good. But still, sometimes it makes you want to… with Gabo we always say – the last time we played, we said we wished Caleb was here because sometimes you miss, I don't know, hearing the drums or that sound in a live setting. Because it's cool to connect through music. I am a person who really connects a lot with music. And I think that connecting with people who feel music as much as you do is incredible. But imagine that in a group.

JD: Yes, of course. It's not the same.

A: No, it's not the same.

JD: Well, I mean, in my specific case, I had an Australian friend. We met through music and we still send ourselves a lot of it. I understand the experience that music, especially in bands, generally comes from the things that happen right there, like in that space, and not so much because they are being instructed to do things.

A: Of course, I don't like feeling like I'm instructing someone. Instead, I can say, "Oh, I wish this was like that", and I can be with Caleb saying , "What do you think of this drum sound?" "What do you think of this guitar or this tone?" It must be a really nice experience.

JD: What's next for the project? Do you have any plans right now?

A: I don't know. Now I would like to get back to it with more motivation, because I am very creatively blocked. But I would really like to regain inspiration as how I used to do this every day and night, because it really made me very happy. But it kind of became very monotonous or I stopped enjoying it very much. So enjoy the process again and keep making music.

[Luckily after this interview she released the EP pronto saldremos a caminar and bym records live, so everything looks good with Anto! :)]